2020 – most hated and most loved.

2020 has just been that!

I was really looking forward for 2020 to step out of my self-imposed lockdown in 2019. Prepping myself to step out and make a career I long awaited. Thinking I was ready to face life, that when I was stopped and put in an actual lockdown. While the world went through a pandemic, lockdown, economy falling et all… I went on a emotional and mental roller coaster ride.

Confined to the walls of my house, I was forced to see the cracks on the walls of my life. Cracks I knew existed but never acknowledged. Learnt I was a deadly mix of being a diffident and had an imposter syndrome i.e I’m someone who is modest ‘cos I lack self confidence and an individual who doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud” – hence never did anything my heart wanted. Now tell me, how does somebody survive with this? *facepalm* But I also learnt that when I did things without setting my heart completely to it, I’ve faired well… Not a fraud after all! I had map out all the things I could do or did in the past and prove myself over and over that I was not a useless piece of shit. Many many half hearted small projects later I realised I sometimes just had to do to things to prove to myself that I was capable of working well. Phew! I don’t need an enemy in my life!! the battle is half won if I can convince myself I’m not a failure.

I’ve also realised that I “love” to do a lot of things but I don’t put any of them to action. I love theatre, singing, driving, travelling, baking, history and filmmaking. But I do nothing except baking. So I decided to mix driving, travelling, history and filmmaking – I took my first road trip – 520 kms of which I drove 400 kms and 220 in the night and Oh. my. God! I could not see at so many points. I did run over some of my self-hate on the way.

I’ve learnt how much words of your loved ones matter. I’ve learnt to weigh words and not just accept them. I’ve learnt to accept criticism gracefully (not completely yet) I’ve learnt to let go of things that I couldn’t control and somethings just aren’t in my control. I’ve learnt God answers you with the right words when you need him to talk, someday’s he’s around but he is quite. But with every passing day gave the needed peace to get through the chaos. I’ve cried and cried, I’ve contemplated my existence, I’ve lost the will to live and I picked myself up, I shut myself off the world, ignored my friends, for the first time I’ve looked into myself without thinking about another. Felt really really selfish for not caring about the world falling apart but I needed to hold up myself. Years later, I’ve called myself important, gained confidence to create content, live and explore. 2020 indeed was a year I needed the most and would never trade it for anything else. a year that screamed so long and hard not just to me but to everyone else I’m sure.

I hope we all get our priorities straight. I hope we all change for a better tomorrow. A blessed New year.

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