Lock-down rant 2

Written on 26th April 2020 but got distracted, closed wordpress, and never looked back.

Dear Blogpage,

It’s day 34-35, nobody keeps a count anymore of the lock-down. I’ve so far successfully survived this Pandemic and the lock-down. I’ve had okay days, bad days and some good days. But I’m learning everyday and I felt like I must tell you about my most recent epiphany!

I have been constantly cribbing about my clueless-ness to you. Today, I’ve finally cracked as to why I have been clueless.. Not like I’ve never known it but I just had to put things in proper perspective. As I randomly scrolled through Instagram today, I came across a #meat20challenge which pushed me to open my photo gallery to check how I looked when I was 20. I saw a happy girl with crazy hair and happy smile. All I could come up with was – ‘Me at 20 was crazy as my hair, me at 20 was living the dream. Me at 26 is just messy hair. Me at 26 is asking, what exactly was the dream?’ It hurt. It hurt oh so much. How did I go from living the dream for 2 years to being fucking clueless in the next 4!?!

As I pondered over what happened, I realised once again that I always had the passion in me, the urge to learn and discover things but I had an acute shortage of self confidence- I am diffident. At 20, I was receiving the kind of education that I always dreamed of, I was building my confidence, I knew when I got out, I would make something out of myself. But when it comes to film-making, your education does not matter much. Your skill to advertise does and that, I sucked at.

I was patient and knew I could crack something to make the needed contacts. I went through a lot of contacts to find a job I was looking for, found a job that was almost like a dream, learnt things, built some confidence and left when I knew I had to move.. After which, I did not have the contacts to find a job as an assistant camera person or a cinematographer’s assistant. I found the next best thing, documentaries. While I liked making videos for famous NGOs, I was cooped in a small editing suite. For a girl who loved travelling and wanted to visually tell a story, I was looking a videos of people who travelled various distances and was editing mediocre footage. Somewhere along those lines, I stopped believing in myself. I turned my passion into a job that filled my bank account. I got out of there to make a film with my friends which failed too. But somewhere as I tried to make sense of things, tried job hunts, look for opportunities, curse myself for not working enough, not making contacts and not having it in me to advertise myself, I did not realise that I stopped believing in myself. I subconsciously sabotaged myself to the extent that I stopped growing. I stopped thinking. I stopped reading. I stopped watching movies. I got myself to endlessly scroll my Instagram feed, watch sitcoms, and constantly waiting on the wind to toss me over from place to place!

The beginning of 2020, I realised I was turning into a dimwit running on autopilot who had no likes, no dislikes, unaware of things and holding no opinion over things. I had to put an end to it. I had to move forward. I started making attempts. I started putting myself out there a little by little. But then, we both know what happened. Some video edit sessions, scripting writing, reading and movie watching later, I feel good about myself. I realised once again that I need in order to make someone believe in me, I need to believe in myself first. I constantly need to reiterate to myself that I need not be perfect in what I do as long as I am trying something new and I’m learning not to make the same mistakes again.

I lost a year and half to not believing in myself. It is time I make up for the lost time and not lose myself again.

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