Lock-down rant

Dear blogpage,

I was confused what to address you as. I’d say dear dairy but.. you aren’t my dairy. I have had several attempts in keeping one but I’ve miserably failed. It seems like I can’t rigidly follow a set thing. I think I’m a commitment phobic but I wont accept it. Not in a million years. But I like our relationship, the only commitment I’ve give to you is to visit you every year on Dec 31st. I seem to keep that up pretty well though. Not a commitment phobic, may be? I just enjoy writing here. I seem to keep coming back here some days and have a good laugh about my state of mind. That’s why I am writing to you today!

I was going through my posts last night and I saw I’ve been clueless for a long time now.. One and half year is a long time to be clueless.. But am I really clueless? It’s not like I’ve not done anything throughout the year.. May be not much professionally. I seem to be holding myself back, a lot. But you see, I’ve also broken a few chains, Learnt a lot about myself and learnt to undo and redo things. Fell in love, experienced it, fought it and fought for it, Cried like I haven’t ever. Sort of lost my sense of self, worked to regain it, and I did! Learnt to actually face my fears, Realised I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. But learned to survive. Questioned my dreams, gave up on my dreams, reconsidered my dreams. Crushed my confidence and tried to regain it. Prepared my self to fight problems head on – to learn more, but I don’t seem to know how to exactly. I seem to be in a better space now. Because, I can’t put myself out in the world when I question myself. I don’t need enemies, I’m my worst enemy. So, when I put myself down, I put myself down so low, that I can’t possibly advertise myself. I seem to be ready now, still clueless but willing to put myself out there. You know what happened when I got ready, the world decided to stay in! Lock-down for 21 days. But you know what, I am happy. Atleast the word isn’t moving forward without me! Well, I am sadistic in someways, I know people are dying out there.. But hey, I can’t do anything about that… May be I’ll try not to be clueless at the end of this. Because, I can’t do this anymore, Maybe I’ll miserably fail putting myself out there but I’ll do it, nonetheless. May be I can ace at failing!

I’ll probably come back for another rant soon or may be not. No promises.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s