A year of confusion and dilemma

Can you have a year where you have grown immensely and also be shattered at the same point? This hands down has been the weirdest year of my life. So weird that I can’t find words to express. I can’t make good or bad out of it.

Fell into this year stumbling in the dark, clueless about what lies ahead. Started off with the attempt to not say I don’t know or fuck it, I succeeded. But life offered very little, professionally. Still in the same rut. Stumbling and failing, I found something else. Something I hold very dear to myself but often questioning if I was valued similarly. Sometimes wondering if the year would have been the same without it but more often thankful for it.

A year of some serious questioning, dissecting of self and learning. A year of valuing people around me. A year of opening up to people. A year of being okay with failure. A year where I decided to make a serious attempt at my dream. A year where I miserably failed to chase my dream. A year of almost not recognising my dream. A year where I tossed optimism out the window. A year of being clueless, absolutely clueless. A year of being stagnant. A year of almost losing my sense of self. A year of working on regaining it. Amidst it all, it has been a year of some crucial learning. When I learnt I was supposed to make myself a priority in my life and the importance to choose myself first before I tend to others.

As a new year begins, I have no big hopes and aspirations. I have no promises to make to myself or anyone. I have no resolutions to make. There is only one thing I would want to work on – my dream. To make endless effort to try to be someone in my field of work. To have a kick started career at the end of the coming year. To not let myself down.

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