I don’t wish to decide the title.

I don’t know if it is funny or sad but it is something? I’m sitting here at the end of yet another year and I feel so empty. Empty not because I haven’t had a good year, empty not because I’m not surrounded by loved ones. But empty for reasons I cannot comprehend or may not wish to comprehend. Empty maybe cos I’m not choosing to feel. Empty, maybe ‘cos I’ve found comfort in the between, maybe that would save me from the consequences? I lay here, in this tangent for so long, I neither wish to go forward or backwards. I lay here, almost choked, almost suffocated yet not putting an effort because, you know, everything around seems to be in vain? So in vain that I find it pointless to continue typing.

If there was a database where I could check the words I used and repeated in the past year, ‘ I don’t know’ & ‘ Fuck it’ could top the list. (Fun fact: I hate the phrase ‘I don’t know’ and always grilled a friend for using that phrase and here I am, saying it a minimum of 30 times in a day for the past year.) Has life really become so redundant? Life hasn’t been bad! Life has been so good! yet in all those years when it was bad or seemed bad, I seem to have had more fulfilling days. Been more hopeful. I’ve plateaued for so long, I need some change! How is that change gonna be and what is it, I don’t know! But change, there has to be!

I don’t know, fuck it, I’m willing to try. I knew what was majorly in store for 2018 but 2019 is going to be stumbling in the dark, hoping for a light somewhere to unveil the next step. Maybe some kind of a difference, one day at a time! 2018 has been a year of taking a risk, 2019 will be the year of fighting the risk head-on. I never could comprehend why the new year was a big deal but I guess, the very fact that you can try to make a change amidst whatever you are going through; because we, humans, like to look forward to some special occasions to make that change happen or start the process of change for that, we celebrate New Years.

To New years, New Beginnings, motivational January, miserably failing at New year resolutions, to failing at every step but also having that one push to get back up, all the best!

Things to remember in 2019: DO NOT SAY I DON’T KNOW!

Oh, I’m 5 wordpress years old!

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